“What are you?” It’s never important to ask that. [audience laughs] What are we gonna miss out on? And I’ll tell you this. The internet (and soon to be movie, TV, radio, etc.) Like most of us, we have no power in our everyday lives. But they wake up speaking their native language with a foreign accent. -[audience laughs] You get to decide, like a king with his drawbridge. Fuckin’ no.” [audience laughs] [mumbling] And then I realized, we have this whole population of Cajun people living amongst us, like they’re one of us. Yeah? Every hotel check-in begins, usually, the same. [audience laughs] All of ’em. And did a few shows. We’re fast food workers. Holy shit. Um… One time he went to a strip club, and a bunch of people got shot. It should be “Fuck you.” “Why don’t you fuck your mother?” “Why don’t you change my diaper?” Game over. [audience laughs] I could be Smith, and if you want to go [in gruff voice]  ‘Smith…’ -[audience laughs] -then it’s Japanese.” And he goes, “Well, what are you?” Which is fuckin’ rude. How’s the stock market today?” Shit like that. They’ll see this shit. So… [audience laughs] He goes to their game, they lose, which isn’t weird. I’ll sit my son down one day and be like, “You know when I was your age, to get weed, I almost died.” [audience laughs] And he’ll be like, “Why? See Tom Segura Live See Tour Dates Official Tom Segura Merchandise > By Nike. Funnyman Bill Burr takes the stage to uncork a profanity-laced, incisive routine that pokes fun at plastic surgery, reality TV, gold diggers and more. I use my right hand, so, “Ah. I don’t really support the arguments against it. And when I tell you that this has happened to me more than half a dozen times, I am not exaggerating. '” And I go, “Do you have any stories in between those two stories?” [audience laughs] Jesus. Big show like this. But I know I’m not supposed to laugh. -And then… -[audience laughs] he decides he’s gonna wait in the tunnel, and ask players for autographs. That’s how that goes. I was blown away. [audience laughs] He just whispers in my ear, dead asleep, “I need you to shoot a bird.” [audience laughs] I just go, “I don’t do that.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Figure it out.” [audience laughs] So, I said, “Okay, Lieutenant.” And I got an air rifle. A group of individuals in Istanbul transcend sociocultural boundaries and find connection as their fears and wishes intertwine. A solo trailer. “But don’t shoot my mom.” I go, “Can we get a description before we agree to terms? He goes, “Have at it.” I get excited. You’re populating the world with more of you. It’s terrible to ask a stranger this, but this was my own father. You got any other ones?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, yeah. [audience laughs] How are you not gonna watch? And I know you guys are looking up, you’re like, “What? "It's offensive and disgraceful and has no place in a major political party," Mr Merlino said. Tom Segura: Disgraceful It was perfectly acceptable for years. And if you really want to shit your pants, those Asian people, -they speak Spanish too. Comedian Bill Burr's 2014 stand-up comedy special. And that’s why I don’t like when I hear men complain about it. When you lose weight on a public platform like I did, you get… I get so many messages. The greatest day of my life, up until the day my son was born, was the day we had a substitute teacher that year, and they didn’t warn her about him. He was like, “That one? Now… -[audience laughs] Speaking of weight, I lost a decent amount of weight recently. Then you’re not ready. That’s gay.” Shit like that. It’s okay, ’cause you’ll still have moments. Segura has a cheerfully misanthropic middle-aged guy worldview that's secretly warm and generous. I told that story in New York City at a show. And she goes, “Stop that.” And he goes, “Fuck you, bitch. He’s mocking an Asian accent?” No. Thanks, Denver. Maybe… Maybe you’re out there right now and you’re thinking, like, “Hey, man. He’s not Asian-baby cute, but he’s right below that, you know? You’re a person of influence.” And I go, “Excuse me?” He goes, “You’re an entertainer. [audience laughs] Will you sign this football?” And he said Pacman went, “What?” Which to me would’ve been like, “So you don’t? [audience laughs] Can’t say it anymore. [audience laughs] Segura! Was this review helpful to you? That’s pretty bad, but… [audience laughs] The rest are up for debate. I speak Spanish. When you look in the mirror, do you say, ‘I fuckin’ hate you’? You’re like, “You said cock.” [laughs], That’s crazy. Oh, yeah.” -Mm… -[audience laughs] And we’ll all be 800 pounds. Just hear me out. It looks just fuckin’ like me. Actor/Comedian/Writer Tom Segura is one of the biggest names in the comedy business. I love it, man. Next time there’s some racial fight in the news, they’ll find some hillbilly. I go to the same abusive asshole doctor I’ve been seeing for over a decade. -[audience laughs] I loved it. When to pull out, when to… -[audience laughs] -stop wiping. Now…, By the way, is there any more satisfying feeling than letting an elevator door close on somebody? He looks up and sees me. Don’t you hate everyone? Moments are like, you take a sip of something. I’m guessing it’s twice a year. Fights have that weird quality. [audience laughs] I was trying to figure out, “Why does this feel so good?” I think it’s a taste of power. [audience cheering and clapping] Yeah. If you’re sitting in your seat right now and you’re like… [grunting] “I don’t think it’s funny.” Well, don’t get your tits in a tussle. [audience laughs] I’m just an awesome guy. Yeah. Okay? So… [audience cheering and clapping] Fuck you, Nike! Uh-uh.” Nobody did anything. He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. So, I’m like, “You were in the war. Sure. And, uh… [audience laughs] She came up to me and she was like… [giggles] [audience laughs] -It’s a very specific woman, all right? All right, cool.” [audience laughs] My friend just decides to make it more clear. posted january 8, 2021 I’m in a panic. Now, as you can tell, I speak beautiful, perfect Spanish. And then, Adam “Pacman” Jones walked out of the locker room. He sends me to… I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a cement-block building with no sign or address. [audience laughs] I bought booze. I think maybe you should stop. It is my favorite thing that’s happened in my adult life, okay? You fuckin’ guess what’s in here.” [audience laughs] Well, I walk in, and I see a man wearing overalls and no T-shirt. With a capital “M” for mierda. “Last name?” And I go, “Segura.” And the guy goes, “Whoa. And if you’re not white, and you’re going, “Wait, are you saying I can say those?” -That’s exactly what I’m saying. It felt like the inside of my body hugged the outside of my body, you know? But the number-one indicator that we are not gonna leave our homes one day very soon are the number of commercials I see for beds that sit up for you. And you forget. Coming Soon. You can put in a quarter.” And I go, “Yeah, I got it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “But this here’s our VIP. Tom Segura is a Netflix success story. Super easy. Hm.” [audience laughs] “Ah. Time is like, let’s say tomorrow you sleep in till noon, and then you eat food in bed. You’re gonna watch every fight, you know? He is best known for his three Netflix specials, Disgraceful (2018), Mostly Stories (2016), and Completely Normal (2014). And I meet people sometimes after shows, you know. [audience laughs] Most aren’t. I hope you acknowledge that. One time, I was in Vietnam, and some Viet Cong tried to sell my marines marijuana. -A white… -[audience laughs] British lady just happens to say, [in Chinese accent] “Would you like… a cup of tea? [audience laughs] Just little pieces by the time I got in there.” [audience laughs] Then last year, I go, “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy.”. -[audience laughs] Some are like, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And my dad’s like, “What do you want to know?” [audience laughs] Here’s what I wanted to know as a kid. Tom Segura can help fill the Louis C.K.-shaped hole in your heart. Where’d you get ’em.” All right, I’ll tell you. Get a sneak peek of the new version of this page. I tried all of them.”. They’re waiting for the brake light. Check out some of the most anticipated TV series revivals, live-action movie adaptations, and remakes currently in the works. “Hey, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” And I’d be like, “Yeah. You look white.” [audience laughs] And I go, “I am white.” And he goes, “But you’re Spanish?” And I go, “Correct.” He goes, “Do you speak Spanish?” I said, “Yes.” And he goes, “So, you’re Mexican.” [audience laughs] And I go, “No.” And he goes, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughs] I said, “What’s going on is you failed fuckin’ social studies. Comedian Bill Burr takes the stage in Nashville and riffs on such topics as overpopulation, fast food, dictators and gorilla sign language. Tom Segura scores laughs with uncomfortably candid stories about mothers, fathers, following your dreams - and other things you'd rather not think about. Luckily for all of us, I think we are five years away from never leaving our homes again. See, I just feel a responsibility to remind women of what pigs men are. Your email address will not be published. Uh-uh” But it’s like, no one else saw that guy. I’m not wearing your fuckin’ shirt.” Can you imagine? I bagged it up, I threw it away. You should. I’m jealous of inner-racial loyalty. If you’re not, let me key you in on a little secret. I’m not Japanese.” And he goes, [in gruff voice] “Segura. When he was 18, Segura overdosed on GHB and fell into a short coma. That’s why he cries a lot. Tom Segura: Disgraceful 2018 TV-MA 1h 11m Stand-Up Comedy Tom Segura gives voice to the sordid thoughts you'd never say out loud, with blunt musings on porn, parking lot power struggles, parenthood and more. So much bigger up close. [audience laughs] Asian babies are cuter than bunnies and puppies combined. Check this shit out. I’m 41 Jump Street. You can’t wrap your head around how massive and specific these orders were. He goes, “Holy Spirit.” -Starts reading from the Bible. And I get why you laugh at my physical flaws. So instinctively, I just went, “Get him!” [audience laughs] But it took me a second to realize, I’m the only other white guy in the park. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. He recently performed to sold-out audiences on his 100 city TAKE IT DOWN TOUR. -[audience laughs] I do feel like I just did a .02-second impression. They’re allowed at my shows. I’ll never forget. Guys always hit me up. That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room. You’re like, “We’re out of orange juice.” Or… -[audience laughs] -Oh. One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati. Why am I eating in my car?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause if you say no, they give you a bag, and they’re like, “Leave with dignity.” But if you say yes, it’s an open tray, and they go, “Eat out of that, pig.” [audience laughs] And then it falls in your lap and they go, “Pick it up!” [audience laughs] And you’re like, [mumbling] “Hot dog, french fries.” “Are you gonna jerk off when you get home ’cause you’re lonely?” And you’re like, “Yes, yes.” “We’re gonna give you a free milkshake because you’re bummin’ everybody out. -[audience laughs] Do whatever you want to him. You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I only point that out… I think it’s important to point out, when you listen to Spanish music, it influences who you become, like all music would. Now, I gotta be like, “I saw a little person.” -And you’re like, “Was it a child, or…” -[audience laughs] Like, “No. The most terrifying housing situation that exists. And it’s tough to accept. So he would be sitting in class, like… [mumbles] [audience laughs] [mumbling] So she goes, “What’s going on?” And we’re like… [gasps] “She doesn’t know.” [audience laughs] And he would do this every day. Every time you laugh, you’re clamping on me. So… I’m in Philadelphia, walking through the park in the middle of the day. List of Amc - Free ebook download as Word Doc (.doc / .docx), PDF File (.pdf), Text File (.txt) or read book online for free. And as I’m walking through it, I see a white guy. I watched him line up like the honey badger. Home to the greatest selection of films and TV in a simple to navigate store, making it … [audience laughs] It’s so you don’t strangle them. -That’s my message. He is best known for his three Netflix specials, Disgraceful (2018), Mostly Stories (2016), and Completely Normal (2014) and will be releasing his fourth Netflix special this spring. But if you’re alone in an elevator, -you are lord of the elevator shaft. Cracker, mick, kraut, polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky. If I saw your face first thing in the morning, I’d bawl my fuckin’ eyes out too, so…” What do you mean, “He cries”? And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal, and so crazy for so many years, but also, highlights how the next generation will not believe our stories about it at all. [audience laughs] What else do you want?” [audience laughs] You’re like, “I don’t know, sausage? Overweight comedian Bert Kreischer laughs at his own jokes about black people in Starbucks, watching porn while in the closet, finding out Hitler was wrong, and more. He goes, “I wanted to tell you, you can come to Nike, but you’re not allowed to shop in our store.” And I go, “Why?” He goes, “We put your name in our system, and it was flagged.” I’m like, “Flagged. Any of you do that? [audience laughs] It became my own personal movie. When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home play-off loss? It’s way easier than being a mom.” [audience laughs] Here’s all you gotta do if you want to be a great dad, seriously. [audience laughs] Not in my park. So I said… [audience laughs] “I”ll just take my movies. Tom Segura: Disgraceful (2018) – Transcript January 13, 2018 Tom Segura gives voice to the sordid thoughts you'd never say out loud, with blunt musings on porn, parking lot power struggles, parenthood and more. I’m not. 3 of 15 people found this review helpful. I can remember the first time we ever talked about weed. There are endless commercials that air, where basically, a guy comes out and he’s like, “Doesn’t it suck to sit up?” [audience laughs] Something like that. No. Too long. [giggles] [audience laughs] You know my favorite part of that woman? I know. [laughs] I got such a warm rush through my body. -[audience laughs] [imitates explosion] [audience clapping] Then he stopped at the door. He is a writer and actor, known for Countdown (2019), Instant Family (2018) and 9 Inches (2013). Two years after that, there was a woodpecker fuckin’ up our house. And I said, ‘I’m out of here. And… [audience laughs] -I want an eagle’s beak.” -And then… -[audience laughs] Amazon’s like, [blows raspberry] “It’s on your fuckin’ doorstep.” How about that? Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome, if you ask me.” [audience laughs] It’s not the same. Add the first question. -Um… -[audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I mean, obviously, I’m not talking about you guys. [audience laughs] Yeah, so like, ten black people turned and I went, “No! [audience laughs] I never thought we’d lose that one. You must be a registered user to use the IMDb rating plugin. Some of them are not. I go, “Segura is Spanish.” And he goes, “That’s weird. When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this. '” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Cool story, nerd. I’m a new dad. You fall in love with a miniature version of you. I bought weed from a dude in a stand-alone trailer one time. And I want hammers. People get very upset. Under 4’11” with the hands.” “Oh, okay.” [audience laughs] Now you know what I’m saying. It’s the best. I was in charge of people. So, she comes up to me and she goes, “Funny show.” [grunts] And I go, “Thanks. Tom Segura gives voice to the sordid thoughts you'd never say out loud, with blunt musings on porn, parking lot power struggles, parenthood and more. [audience laughs] But thankfully, the exchange rate is better than that, so… [audience laughs] Five? And we can get your bags. Tell him that.” [audience laughs] Asshole. That means in two years, we’re gonna be sitting in beds that sit up for us, and we’ll just go, “Food.” And then a mechanical arm will come out. You brought somebody?” “I didn’t bring anybody.” But… I keep it exciting. And he would sing, just a lot of love songs. All right.” He fuckin’ sprinted across the park. If you can do that, I can do that.” Probably not. [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re right. Your eyes have been fighting to make you think you can see well. Hm.” Who am I kidding? What happened next?” [audience laughs] But now, I can’t say that. Picture you’re dead asleep. There’s a bunch of Seguras down there. But I am. You can’t say “retarded” anymore. “Your vision’s always sucked. [audience laughs] And I just watched you. Why? He’s like… And you’re like, “Ugh. First… foreign accent syndrome. When people are like, “You shouldn’t say it.” “Why?” “What if there’s one over there?” And you’re like… [audience laughs] We never said it like that. Required fields are marked *. They sent you a drink.” “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate it. If your friend was like, “I’ll pick you up at your house, and then we’ll come back to my place, and later we can go back to your house. It gets old.”. ‘Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right. [audience laughs] You know what the biggest kick in the balls is? So… I know. It is a great city and, uh… [audience cheering] Absolutely love it here. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, “Holy fuckin’ shit. “Ah” means something. Like, you’re walking back to your car from the mall on a Saturday, and you’re done shopping, and see you people like, “Ah… [audience laughs] Where will I park?” [audience laughs] And then they see me. [audience laughs] I beat him in this contest because I’m a better person, -but that’s not what I want to talk about. He is currently performing to sold out audiences on his 100 city TAKE IT DOWN TOUR. Every man has unlimited “pig-tential.” [audience laughs] Just needs a little nudge from you, coach. It’s awesome. Now you’ve gotta be like, “That’s not… smart. [audience laughs] Who’s been good? -[audience laughs] -And I’m pretty fuckin’ excited about it. Christine Friar. And you play it. I’ve been trying to incorporate that into my life. What can we say?” I’ll tell you what you can say. Have fun. I was trying to figure out, like, where is power the most equal, you know? I met a woman after a show recently. I wish I was home right now. [audience laughs] It was glorious. We call that a person of influence. And they’ll go just… like… this. He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay? I don’t fuckin’ think so. If you’re white, you see it with other races. And I think it’s very rude that you’re telling that story.” And I go, “Pfft. He would take markers and paint his own shirt. Don’t abandon your kid. Let her rip. She was in an accident, and she woke up speaking English, but with a Chinese foreign accent. I’m out of here. I don’t want any more of that.” Some people suffer from both of those afflictions. [audience laughs] And my dumb ass goes, “Is it a guy or a girl?” [audience laughs] He goes, “You see any other cars in that parking lot, Junior?” [audience laughs] So then I felt a pool of diarrhea forming inside of me. Why the fuck would we do that?” [audience laughs] But now you can’t say that. He washed his hands, he tested my vision. And if you’ve never been… [audience cheering] If you’ve never been in In-N-Out, get your fuckin’ life together and go. I like to give them false hope. First close-up masturbation be advisable for horny granny ; Adorable teen spinner Alice March rides a huge cock Cock-crazy Lara Amour loves to get into a threesome and give head Gay bukkake twink is fucked hard and deep in his tight ass ; Amateur couple made their first homemade porn with cellphone [audience laughs] It’s moderately funny. [audience laughs] Just out of appreciation, you know. And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? And I’ll tell you why. You killed a long-billed woodpecker. Get the fuck out of here.”. White racial slurs. -So, no, you don’t.” -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] Your Spanish sucks. I was like, “That’s why I’ve never had success with this before.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re gonna feel a little bit of pressure. Watch BBW HD Porn 1080p HD porn videos for free on Eporner.com. Don’t fuck it up.” -I was like, “All right.” -[audience laughs] Do you know what kind of a psychopath I looked like walking through a porn store with a grocery list, like… [audience laughs] “Mom said not to forget.” [fakes laughter]. Guy comes up to me, he goes, uh… [mumbles] And I go, “What?” [audience laughs] And he goes… [mumbles] I said, “Where am I from originally?” And he goes… [mumbles] [audience laughs] I said, “I was born in Cincinnati, but I moved around a lot. I don’t know. The same dude I buy it from all the time. Tom Segura was born on April 16, 1979 in Cincinnati, Ohio, USA. I got two more for you. I still love them. I see it. [audience laughs] And they’re not. Do you like them?” And I go, “Yes.” [audience laughs] “Do you want to come to Nike headquarters tomorrow?” And I said, “Not really. So… [audience laughs] Cracker-ass inbreds, [laughs] we don’t need you. [audience laughs] If you’re sitting here and you’re like, “Well, when is it ever fu-fu-funny?” Well, luckily for you, I have three examples. -And honestly… -[audience laughs] I’m no better. And let’s be honest. Like, people are always philosophizing, “What is the meaning of life?” I’ll tell you the meaning of life. From sketchy drug deals to Starbucks drive-thrus, Tom Segura’s got an opinion on just about everything. [audience laughs] Your imagination is serving you correctly. And if you’re standing in there, someone might stick their finger through that hole. [audience laughs] You want to know how big of a pig your man is? I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. There’s a reason your asshole is the only part of your body you can’t physically see. Now… [audience laughs] [audience clapping] I’ll tell you, it is fantastic to be in the people’s republic of Denver. You don’t have to leave your home to see people. You said it to describe an idea, or a situation, you know? They’re tough. You want to know how crazy that company is? Tom Segura: Disgraceful. Thank you, Denver. [audience laughs] I’m just old and blind.” “Don’t forget you’re balding.” And I go, “I know. What about persistent genital arousal disorder? Are the US Marshals gonna back you up on this shit right now?” [audience laughs] But they want your brake lights to appear, ’cause that means you’re starting the car. I was 12 years old. That’s fuckin’ crazy.” I’ll pay you to call me a honky. I did it… [audience cheering] I did it at the hotel earlier. -[audience laughs] Nobody cares. What’s time? [audience laughs] You got a lot of time on your hands. [audience laughs] Isn’t that your sole responsibility?” I tried to play cool, “Let’s go get it.” He goes, “I’ll go get it. Don’t want to waste it.” And I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughs] I said, “Is that what you do around here?” And he goes, “Among other things.” [audience laughs] I said, “Well, then, show me around. Thanks, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” So, I go… [audience laughs] I go, “Thank you.” “Are you gonna go jerk off all over your hotel room now?” And I was like, “Ugh.” [audience laughs] I said, “I’m probably just gonna pick a spot, you know? I go, “What, Dad?” He goes, “I was at a party one time. Our him!” [audience laughs] And they were like, “What?” And I was like, “I’m out, that’s what.” [audience laughs] And then they killed that white guy. [audience laughs] We’re all traumatized by it. [audience laughs] Do you now believe in God and his awesome sense of humor? Now.” [audience laughs] Then I sit up. I can’t get my finger out until you stop laughing.” And I go, “Get it the fuck out. This dude’s like, “You trying to get a sack?” -I was like, “Oh, shit. Some of them are cool… [audience whooping] -[man] Yeah! And then he checks, rather aggressively, I would add. [audience laughs] You don’t believe me, watch the news. What I’m talking about… There could be a dangerous situation. I mean, do we? I have friends that are like, “My kid cries a lot.” And I’m like, “Yeah, ’cause you’re his dad. And… It is to no credit of my own. And I think the answer is never. So…. And now they greet you, they say, “Welcome to Starbucks. -Now… -[audience laughs] if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t been watching TV. [audience laughs] This guy had the audacity to ask me, he goes… [mumbling] [audience laughs] I said, “Did you just ask me if there’s a Redbox around here?” [audience laughs] [mumbles] I go, “I don’t fuckin’ work here.” [audience laughs] Like, I thought he was moments away from being like, “I do declare. You’re making us sad. Unleashing his inquisitive, intense comedic style, Rogan explores everything from raising kids and Santa Claus to pot gummies and talking to dolphins. [audience laughs] How do you get paid to do this?”. So… [audience laughs] With this face, came great responsibility. I go straight to my doctor. And my dad, whispering in your ear, with his potent dad breath. Love you. And when you are ready to leave, and other people are looking for a place to park… -Oh. Who gives a shit?” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Oh, yeah, I forgot.”. But… I heard a few forks drop, and I look up. If he had answered my question differently… “Is that a guy or a girl?” He went, “I don’t know.” I’d be like, “I don’t fuckin’ know either, so…” [audience laughs] “She’s got a rough chin on her, for sure. Call up your Italian friend tomorrow and be like, “Hey, you fuckin’ guinea.” [audience laughs] And he’ll go, [laughs] “I don’t care. Like it has to be ten guys standing in a line, each of them has their dick in the ass of the guy in front of them. You have latent farsightedness.” I go, “What does that mean?” This is his quote. So… I met, um… Like I said, I meet a lot of people. [audience laughs] These poor substitutes don’t know what’s going on in your class. And I said, ‘If you ever come here again, I’ll fuckin’ kill you. “Look, man. – [audience laughs] Keep your head up.” [audience laughs] “Can I have an autograph?” And he said they were all like, “No.” And some of them were like, “Fuck you.” Imagine your heroes being like, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] [Segura laughs] Oh, my God.

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